Those easily offended beware!
I'm _trying_ to give a damn!
Life is sexually transmitted … and fatal.
Wednesday, 28 February 2007

Parking Fun

I'm sure you've seen it as much as I have. Especially around the Christmas holidays and especially at malls. Those pinheads that drive around the parking lot for half an hour to find a parking space that's twenty feet closer to the door than the six that they just drove by.

I think it's unprintably hilarious that they're that unprintably lazy. I mean, just how lazy do you have to be to screw around that much to avoid walking an extra twenty feet?

So one Christmas shopping day a few years ago, I'd done my bit to support the economy and was leaving the mall. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten where I parked. So I was wandering around the parking lot trying to remember where I left my rolling trash heap. After a few minutes, I noticed that I'd grown a mechanical tail, made up of drivers hoping to grab the spot I'm about to leave, and the people they're holding up in the parking lot by being assholes.

At that moment, it occurred to me Hey! There's some fun to be had here! So I saved my store logo shopping bags and a few small empty boxes for later mall parking lot hijinks.

Now, when I'm feeling in need of a lift during the holidays, I just drag out the old shopping bags and empty boxes and head for the busiest local mall. I park out at the end of the lot, take my bags, and wander the parking lot like I'm looking for my car to leave.

It's amazing how quickly I accumulate a following, and just how persistent some of those dunderheads are. I had one guy follow me around almost the entire mall parking lot for half an hour! He got angrier and angrier as I didn't find my car and leave. By the end I would not have been surprised to see his eyes pop out from the insane blood pressure he must have been experiencing.

I just laughed and laughed. You're getting angry because you're a lazy asshole. Riiiiiight. I did stay prepared to take cover behind the parked cars, though!


All altruism is, at its root, selfish. Discuss.

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